What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:52
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Would this be the day?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Ive learnt so much.
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She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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So whats the point in blame.
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We all went to grammer schools
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it wasn’t much.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im still living with it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was 9 years of age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
It was going to be , some day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But ive been too sick for many years..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I think the readers, may guess!
I said to her
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was in good health!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot live in the past .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Was to survive, this bastard.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Comes on , in middle age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I have no regrets .
I was very sick at this time too.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But, we were locked up after school.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I waited trembling.
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What did i know ?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I write beautiful poetry .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Who then, do I blame.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She loved him until the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He knew the spot.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.